How can two walk together unless they agree? The truth is, many marriages get ruined because of misunderstandings. Misunderstandings are brought about by a lack of agreement on how to handle the issues that affect each marriage. Failing to agree will lead to the husband and wife interpreting things differently leading to feelings of hurt, insensitivity, rejection, intolerance and indifference.
Agree with your spouse on the do’s and don’ts. Have these rules.
1. “Sex rules”
Agree that you can have sex in whichever way and position, but also agree on what you will not try out. For example; no anal sex, or no masturbation when you have each other, or no pornography use, or no inflicting pain or no making love when she is on monthly periods and if he is horny then, how will she pleasure him? Each couple is different. Agree on what are the limits.
2. “Phone rules”
Agree on how to handle the phone. For example, no chatting with others past 11pm for that is intimate time, no secrecy, no need to walk away when someone calls, inform your spouse about who has called.
3. “Money rules”
Agree on how to use money. Will you have a joint bank account? What percentage can each use without the requirement of notifying the other? Who pays for what bills? Saving. Investing. No giving money to in-laws without joint consent.
4. “Coming home rules”
What should you do in case you’re coming home late? Make a phone call? How late is too late to come home? Your spouse doesn’t mind you coming home late as long as it is agreed. Marriage is not about selfish you but you two as partners.
5. “Social rules”
Agree you will make effort to introduce each other to your friends. Agree on how close friends of the opposite gender can get. Agree on which friends to keep. Agree on how often friends can visit. Your home shouldn’t be invaded by friends. There needs to be boundaries.
6. “Information rules”
Agree to notify each other where you are, even if with just a simple text. Agree on the need to tell each other your individual schedule of the day. Keep your spouse in the know.
7. “Temper rules”
Agree on what to do when you both get mad at each other. Do you give yourself space? Withdraw for some minutes? Do you deal with the issue quickly? No going to sleep mad at each other. Conflict resolution.
8. “Chore rules”
Agree on who does what in the house. This will prevent any of you from feeling like they are doing too much.
9. “Social media rules”
Agree on the do’s and don’ts of social media. For example, no being Facebook friends with your ex, no commenting suggestively on other people’s post, no indecent behaviour, no airing domestic issues on social media.
10. “Work rules”
Agree on limits of work. For example, no coming home with work, what to do when your careers conflict? What to do when you have different working hours? When to take leave or off days?
11. “Parenthood rules”
Agree on how to discipline the children, who does what, who goes for Parents’ days in school, do you take turns? What kind of food will the children eat?
12. “Individual space rules”
Agree that sometimes each of you will want some alone time, to work or to meditate or just relax. Agree on how to notify your spouse when you want a few minutes to yourself. Your spouse will give you room if you need it.
Agreeing on these key issues brings about order, peace and unity; both of you will know how to navigate and behave.
If your marriage is chaotic because of lack of order. It’s not too late to have a conversation leading to the agreement on these issues.
Have you ever gone out with someone you had a good time with and really liked, but you didn’t hear from him after the first date? …
Have you ever gone out with someone you really liked but you didn’t hear from him again after the first date?
Did you ever text a man after a fantastic evening out and he didn’t reply?
It shouldn’t come as a surprise that men and women are very different. Men, unlike women, are logical. They don’t spend hours obsessing over everything they do. Men are simple – they either like us or they don’t.
Here are nine reasons why you might have had an amazing date but you never heard from the guy again:
1. Zero chemistry
Chemistry isn’t something that can be explained. A man can think you’re gorgeous, smart, well-dressed, very sweet and awesome, but he just didn’t feel any chemistry.
If the connection wasn’t there, he won’t be asking you out again.
If the connection wasn’t there, he won’t be asking you out again
Sometimes women act rudely on a date. They forget to treat everyone with kindness. They aren’t friendly to doormen, waiters, busboys or taxi drivers. There’s never a reason to be anything but nice to everyone you meet.
Being bitchy or obnoxious isn’t cool. If you’re disrespectful to anyone, your date is unlikely to want to see you again.
3. Lateness isn’t tolerated
Arriving fashionably late is a huge faux pas. Making someone wait shows a lack of respect for the person you’re meeting. It makes people think you’re inconsiderate. If you’re late for a date, it can easily put things in a sour mood from the get-go and ruin your chances of receiving a follow-up phone call.
A man can think you’re gorgeous, smart, well-dressed, very sweet and awesome, but he just didn’t feel any chemistry
4. He met someone else
Your date could have thought you were wonderful. He might have had a great time and was planning on asking you out again. And then … he met someone else the next night, who he liked better. He chose to pursue her, instead of you, even though he thought you had a really, really good date.
It happens all the time. Don’t take it personally, he wasn’t for you!
5. You hurt his feelings
Men generally aren’t as sensitive as women, but they can get offended. It’s important to always be nice. Kindness is contagious. I certainly wouldn’t want to go on another date with someone who had hurt my feelings. Insulting someone isn’t nice. If you say something that your date thinks is rude, don’t expect him to call you.
Men generally aren’t as sensitive as women, but they can get offended
6. No future here
Sometimes you go on a date and both of you have a nice time, but, for him, something was off. He could have thought you’re extraordinary, but he just didn’t see a future with you.
Some men, (not all!), have an idea about what type of woman they want to marry and take home to meet their family. You could be a total catch, but he just didn’t think you’d fit into his life long-term.
7. No sexy time
You might go out with someone and he had a terrific time, but he wasn’t sexually attracted to you. He enjoyed talking with you but he couldn’t imagine himself being intimate with you. He put you in the friend zone from the moment you met.
8. Intellectual curiosity
Being intellectually stimulating is essential. Men want to date a woman from whom they can learn. They’re attracted to women who are curious and challenging.
Men want to date a woman that they can learn from
As an example, if he likes talking about football and politics, and you enjoy conversing about shopping and cooking, he most likely won’t want to go out with you again. Don’t be discouraged, there’s someone out there who has the same interests as you.
9. You’re not available
Not everyone is emotionally available. Some women don’t realise that they appear unavailable, but they do. Often, they talk about their job 24/7 or they mention all the things that they have going on in their life. To men, that isn’t a good thing. Men want to date someone who’s independent and has a life, but is able to make them a priority. If you come across as too busy, the chances of a second date are slim.
Now that you know the main reasons why men don’t call women back, accept it and move on. Don’t overanalyse everything and get upset. Realise that you’re fabulous. If you went out with someone you liked and he didn’t get in touch with you again, move on. Know that you deserve better. There are plenty of remarkable guys out there who will want to go out with you again and will be very excited about it!
In the past I have written about what men want from women, but I’ve never talked about what men DON’T want …
In order to have a successful relationship, each individual has to be whole person, with their own identity, dreams and talents. Successful couples help to bring out the best in each other. This is done through trust, communication, support and respect.
Sometimes couples hit a rocky patch where their relationship is out of balance. There is conflict, and hurt and anger and frustration, and they need an outside perspective to help guide them back in the right direction again. This is why couples’ counselling is so important, and is nothing to be ashamed of!
We all go for regular dentist check-ups, and visits to the doctor, so why not go to a professional relationship coach and sex therapist when your relationship needs help?
Most often I see couples when they have reached a point where there is very little intimacy left in their relationship. They are barely ‘friends’ never mind lovers. They tell me that their sex life is the problem in the relationship, but I usually ask: “What went wrong first? Your sex life or your relationship?”
Rebuilding the trust, passion and intimacy in the relationship starts with being honest about who you are and what you want. This includes the expectations that you have for your partner.
Here are some of the things that men DON’T want in their relationship. (Look out for my next blog where I will talk about what women don’t want…)
1. Don’t change your personality
Men often complain to me that their partner is not the same person they fell in love with. They say “I want that person back.”
Women can often ‘lose’ themselves in their roles as mothers and wives, setting aside their own needs and wants for the sake of others. They often tell me, “I don’t know who I am, I don’t even know what makes me happy anymore”.
While nurturing and caring for your family is important, it is also important not to lose sight of who you are and what drives you. Your dreams and passions are important too – they are part of what makes you unique.
If you’re struggling to find yourself, or to find time for yourself, chat to your partner about how he can help you feel more fulfilled. Sometimes it is necessary to book a few appointments with a professional life coach or therapist to help you balance out your roles and find space for personal growth in your relationship.
2. Don’t stop your hobbies
Part of personal growth and maintaining your own identity within a relationship is making sure you have your own hobbies. Whether it’s scrap-booking, or book club, or running, we all need SOMETHING that gives us a ‘break’ from everyday life and responsibilities.
Your man needs this too.
Don’t stop him from going to a weekly squash meeting, or the occasional fishing trip with the guys. Men also need some time away from their responsibilities to just relax and express themselves. You could even go and support him at a squash game or two.
However, sometimes these hobbies can lead to conflict in the relationship if there is an imbalance in the amount of time that they take up. If your partner’s hobby means that he’s away from home and the family every weekend and multiple nights in the week, leaving you to take care of the kids and household, then you need to have a serious discussion about it.
Balance and support are two of the most important things in a healthy relationship.
3. Don’t let your role as mother completely take over your role as wife
A lot of the time men will tell me “I don’t resent having children, but I don’t have my wife’s attention anymore”.
They are very happy to be fathers, and to share the parenting role with their partner, but they are often sidelined as husbands. Women focus all their energy and attention on the children while the men are left wondering what happened.
While I understand that women are natural nurturers and children require huge amounts of commitment and energy, it is important to make time for your relationship as husband and wife. This relationship was there first, and it deserves to be nurtured just as much as your children do. Being happy parents means that you are setting a great example for your children, and showing them what a healthy, balanced relationship looks like.
Don’t make your partner feel like he has to fight for your attention all the time. At the end of the day when you’re exhausted and emotionally drained, don’t isolate yourself. Make sure that you schedule some ‘alone’ time at least once a week. Whether it’s a date night, or just waking up an hour earlier so that you can have coffee and chat before the day gets going.
Send your man a quick WhatsApp during the day just to let him know you’re thinking of him. The small things are what make a huge difference.
4. Don’t lose sight of your own goals
It is important for a man to know that his partner has her own goals or dreams that she wants to achieve. When you’re dating, this is something that forms a fundamental part of the foundation of the relationship. You talk about what you want to achieve in life, what you would do if you ‘won a million bucks’, and where you want to be in 20 years’ time.
Sometimes we lose sight of these goals – through various things like stress, the responsibilities of kids and careers, and we stop dreaming. We spend too much time trying to help others achieve their goals that we end up not having any of our own.
Men can feel smothered by this. They often describe their partner as ‘too needy’ because she adopts his goals as her own. This can be frightening as they feel like they are her life, and they don’t want to fail. If he’s happy, she’s happy. If he’s unhappy, she’s unhappy. This is not a balanced relationship.
Don’t let him become your oxygen. Don’t ‘die’ if he’s not there 24/7. In order to be happy, you need to be able to function on your own, and to pursue your own goals. This does not mean that you shouldn’t support each other as much as you can. It just means that you should also maintain an element of personal growth within the relationship, and strive to achieve personal goals as well as relationship goals.
5. Don’t gossip about your relationship and sex life
When I’m counselling couples and an issue pops up, one of the first questions men ask is “Who else did you tell?” Women often share very personal and intimate details about their relationship with friends. This makes their partner feel insecure and belittled…
For example, if your man experiences an episode of erectile dysfunction, don’t go and tell all your friends at book club. Keep it between you and him, and if you need help, seek information from a professional like your GP or a clinical sexologist where you know that the information will be kept confidential.
This goes both ways. What happens in the bedroom should stay in the bedroom. Men should respect their partner and not talk about their private sex lives with their friends.
6. Don’t ask his opinion if you don’t really want it
I am guilty here… I will often ask my husband what he thinks of a new outfit, or a new haircut and then get upset when he doesn’t say exactly what I want him to say. I see his answer as criticism instead of honesty.
He usually responds, “You asked me to be honest and I gave you my opinion.”
It is important for your partner not to be afraid to express himself in front of you. He needs to know his opinions are appreciated and valid, and that he’s not going to be shouted at just for saying something that differs from what you expected.
This can end up in him bottling away his opinions and just turning ‘off’ emotionally, which is not healthy for the relationship.
Accept that you may have different ideas and opinions about things, and if they aren’t part of your fundamental belief and value system, then they probably aren’t worth fighting over.
Even if marriage is sometimes more a bed of nails than roses, living into old age with a partner may help ward off heart disease and stroke, researchers said Tuesday.
A sweeping survey of research conducted over the last two decades covering more than two million people aged 42 to 77 found that being hitched significantly reduced the risk of both maladies, they reported in the medical journal Heart.
The study examined ethnically varied populations in Europe, North America, the Middle East and Asia, adding weight to the results.
Compared to people living in spousal union, the divorced, widowed or never married were 42 percent more likely to develop cardiovascular disease and 16 percent more likely to have coronary heart disease, the study found.
The risk of dying was likewise elevated for the non-married, by 42 percent from coronary heart disease and by 55 percent from stroke.
The results were nearly the same for men and women, except for stroke, to which men were more susceptible.
“These findings may suggest that marital status should be considered in the risk assessment for cardiovascular disease,” concluded a team led by Chun Wai Wong, a researcher at Royal Stoke Hospital’s department of cardiology, in Stoke-on-Trent in Britain.
Four-fifths of all cardiovascular disease can be attributed to a proven set of “risk factors”: advanced age, being a man, high-blood pressure, high cholesterol, smoking, and diabetes.
Marriage, in other words, could be an important share of the missing 20 percent.
More precisely, living together — with or without a wedding band — is probably the operative factor, if indeed conjugal status has any impact at all.
But most of the 34 studies reviewed by Wong and colleagues did not identify couples out of wedlock or same-sex unions, so it was not possible to know whether, statistically, such arrangements were the equivalent of being wed.
Because the study was observational rather than based on a controlled experiment — something scientists can do with mice but not humans — no clear conclusions could be drawn as to cause-and-effect.
That leaves open the question of why marriages may be “protective”.
“There are various theories,” the researchers said in a statement.
Having someone around to take care of one’s health problems and keep track of one’s meds is probably a plus, as are two incomes or pensions instead of one.
More intangibly, not living alone is thought to be good for morale, and for neural stimulation. People living in couples, earlier research has shown, also have lower rates of dementia.
Before the arguments, responsibilities, and kids, you were thinking of ways to spend more quality time. By the umpteenth year, you’re contemplating ways to get away on your own. It’s a process that all long-term relationships endure. But this process, ironically, can also strengthen your loving bond: the more you overcome together, the stronger you become together.
Once you realise this fact, you and your partner can work towards re-establishing that light-hearted magic that was abundant in the beginning. Believe me that if it was there once, it can be revived.
Take these tips to reignite the romantic spark and uphold your chemistry well after the first few years:
1. Anticipate change
People are constantly changing: who you are now is not who you were last year, last month, or even last week. But unlike a teenager passing through puberty, change isn’t always obvious. It’s easy to become oblivious to your partner’s changes because you see this person so often.
Understand how your loved one is transforming and adapt yourself to him or her. In the case of physical change, make it known to your partner that you notice the new look: always compliment a different hairstyle, weight loss, fresh wardrobe, etc. Remain well ahead of changes by preparing for the next phase of your relationship and strategising how you’ll pass through it side by side.
You should also ask yourself this question regularly: Is my relationship evolving, or only changing? A relationship should not only shift, but shift positively over time as both partners work to resolve outstanding issues. Evolve in the same direction as your significant other. If this is not happening, it’s time to evaluate at what point the relationship became stagnant.
2. Keep out external influences
Nothing kills the magic of a good relationship quite like a jealous friend, a spiteful mother-in-law, or the drinking buddy who cajoles your partner to stay out all night. Such negative influences must be cut out like weeds!
Come to a mutual agreement with your partner to adopt an us-against-the-world mentality: never to speak badly of one another to outsiders, not to allow yourselves to be swayed by other people, and always to consult each other first.
3. Maintain emotional intimacy
Emotional intimacy is the glue of any love relationship. It is knowing what your partner needs before they even get a chance to ask – feeling their emotions, needs, and desires as if they were your own.
Emotional intimacy is much more powerful than physical intimacy because it delves deep into your loved one’s wishes, fears, and hopes. Maintain this sense of intimacy with your partner by paying attention to how they’re behaving day by day: what’s bothering them? What can you do to relieve their worries? Comprehend what it is that your partner needs most from you at any given moment – is it to be nurtured or to be left alone?
This sense of “knowing” your significant other will keep you perfectly in tune as a couple.
4. Go on new adventures
The daily grind becomes boring to say the least. Doing the same things every day can quickly kill the spark. Break out of routine as often as you can. Travel with your partner, even if it’s a road trip or a weekend getaway. Try new restaurants and take up new hobbies. Even if it’s something out of your comfort zone, find joy in the fact that you’re engaging in a different activity with your other half.
There’s a wrong way and a right way to communicate. The wrong way is bombarding your partner with all of your problems as soon as they walk through the door after a long day at work. The right way is waiting until they unwind, then gently bringing up one subject of genuine concern (one, not 20).
Ask about their day before you begin. Find out what’s important to them, what are their plans, how can you help, etc. Listen intently when they open up to you before responding. It’s important to get your partner to let their guard down before embarking on a subject you’re keen to discuss.
Your partner is more likely to be receptive if you’re already engaged in a comfortable conversation.
6. Be sexy
Many men and women find that their sex drive dwindles after years of being with the same person. Adrenaline and dopamine levels drop with time and with them, the rush and excitement that accompany intercourse.
While this is normal, it is not a good indication.
Sex is an integral part of any good relationship; the moment that it dries up is the moment a key component of the relationship is lost. Beware not to lose your sexual appeal to your lover, or you run the risk of them searching for it elsewhere. Strive to maintain a desirable image for your loved one. This will boost your self-esteem, too. Take a bit of time to get ready when they’re on their way, eat well, and exercise regularly. Such activities will not only help you look good for them; they’ll make you feel good about yourself.
Sex can certainly become better with time if the couple gets creative and invents new ways of pleasing each other. Get a little daring and try intercourse in different locations and positions or order an erotic movie together.
Most couples simply stand by and allow the spark of their relationship to fizzle out in time, partly because they believe there’s nothing to be done. But with the right actions and added awareness, both partners can rekindle the romantic fire so that it burns more strongly than even in the beginning.
I’m just going to come right out and say it — I’m a hopeless romantic.
(First step: admitting the problem, right?) Of course, I wouldn’t exactly call it a problem per se, but I’m sure the endless daydreams of being swept off my feet and finding my person don’t exactly help my cause. And the lifelong stream of love songs and romantic comedies consumed are only to blame. But here’s the real “problem.”
The days of drive-in movies, sappy professions of love and happily-ever-afters have been replaced by Netflix-and-chill, booty calls and keeping it “casual”
What’s become of the world we “date” and live in can be a scary place for a hopeless romantic. It seems that the days of drive-in movies, sappy professions of love and happily ever afters have been replaced by Netflix-and-chill, booty calls and keeping it “casual.” And sure, we’re all busy getting our s**t together and finding what works for us, but let me just say this: What happened to the damn magic?
What happened to putting it all on the line and trusting that someone will be there to catch us in the midst of the fall? We’ve all come to terms with the fact that life is no Disney fairy tale. (Besides, who really wants talking animals as wingmen, anyway?) But I have to believe there’s something more to this so-called “hookup culture.” (And yes, even one deemed “hopeless” can have hope for that.)
Is Tinder really to blame? Vanity Fair may think so. Yet we live in a world that ultimately revolves around technology. Take that as you may, but it was only a matter of time until our love lives caught onto the trend as well. Enter dating apps… which, above all, allow us to put ourselves out there. Though it may not be the romantic plot we had in mind, who’s to say we can’t find the happy ending we’re looking for?
Not everyone is looking for the same fairy tale…
What we need to recognise is that not everyone is looking for the same “fairy tale.” And there’s nothing wrong with that. The fault comes from settling for that person who doesn’t want the things we want, then turning right around and blaming the world we live in, wondering where all the “good ones” have gone. They’re out there. We’re just too busy barking up the emotionally unavailable trees.
The “hookup culture” has been around since the 1920s, according to evolutionary biologist Justin Garcia, and much to our enjoyment or dismay, it’s here to stay. My advice? Embrace it. Put yourself out there. Find out what you like and don’t like. Learn about yourself. Build character. Score a free drink or two while you’re at it. And for the love of all that is hopeless and romantic, do not settle for one second.
In the end, this crazy thing we call life has a way of working itself out. But you can’t sit around and wait for it to happen to you. Go out and meet it halfway. Trust in the timing of things, in new beginnings, in goodbyes. And always remember this: “Perfect people don’t exist, but there’s always one person who is perfect for you.” (Told you I was a hopeless romantic…)
1. She wants to bear the name of a man, who is a man of honor. Her becoming Mrs. should be to a man worthy
2. She wants to commit to a man who will give her a wedding. The wedding can be big or small, as long as he gets to have her the right and legal way; with the blessings of God, family and the law
3. She wants to live in the same house for the rest of her life with a man who will give her peace, not stress
4. She wants to give her precious and sweet vagina that many men crave for but cannot have, to a man who will be responsible with his penis; a man who give his penis to her and only her
5. She will be faithful. Because she is faithful, she wants to commit to a man who will take care of her sexual needs, not a man who only thinks about his pleasure in bed
6. She wants to say yes to a man who will respect her dreams. She is educated, has been making her own money and wants to live a legacy. She wants to commit to a man who will not stand in the way of her personal growth but one who will encourage and support her
7. She wants rich and deep conversations. Forever is a very long time to live with someone who doesn’t stimulate your mind with constructive talk. She wants to come home to a man who talks and she goes “Wow, your intelligence and wisdom is amazing”
8. She wants to carry and bear the child of a man who will be a good father, not an absent and irresponsible sperm donor or one who will make parenthood a struggle
9. She wants a man who will tickle her funny bone. She loves to laugh, who better to laugh with than with the man who she comes home to
10. She wants to commit to a man who is going to be dependable and easy to do teamwork with
11. She wants to invest time in a man who is not going to waste her time. Her marriage to him should be worth it
12.She wants to open her mouth to speak to a man who will listen to her and value her opinion. Marriage can be a prison when your spouse works hard to silence your voice
13. She wants to share the same marriage bed with the man who respects her, the man she trusts, the man who will protect her; not a foolish man who will beat her or make her feel defensive and scared
14. She wants to wear the wedding ring of the man she is proud of
15. She wants to live with a man who will kiss and touch her. Her lips and body belong to no other man, so he better make good use of them
16. She wants a man who needs God. Life has taught her that she is nothing without God, and so her marriage will be nothing without God. She wants a man submitted to God, a man who will love her knowing God is watching, a man she will chase after God’s own heart with
17. She wants to give forever to the man that will give his forever to her
So man, before you ask her to be your wife; think seriously about what you are asking her. This is nothing to take lightly. If you will not love her as your wife, then don’t make her your wife; step away and let her be found by a man who is willing and capable. If you want to be that man, then man up; see how special she is.
Dear husband who has already married a woman, remember the weight of your vows, the seriousness of her choosing to be your wife. Love the woman you married.
1. Stop competing with your spouse who earns more and who contributes the most money. You two are one with an equal stake in the marriage. Both of you should give as you can. Belittling your spouse who earns less than you doesn’t motivate him or her to love you and walk with you better
2. Stop wanting to win every argument with your spouse. Too many marriages suffer because the husband and wife want to prove who is more right. Sometimes you have to let arguments go and focus on what is most important: love. It doesn’t matter who is right, what matters is that you both feel loved
3. Stop competing who is more educated than the other. Just because you have a Degree, Masters or PhD doesn’t mean you look down on your spouse who hasn’t gone to formal school to your level. Education is not just about going to University, appreciate your spouse’s intellectual might regardless of how many certificates your spouse has. Intimacy doesn’t require good grades and awards
4. Stop competing with your spouse who is more loved by the children between you two. Children love mom and dad just the same
5. Stop competing who has done fewer wrongs than the other. Love doesn’t keep a record of wrongs. Love covers a multitude of sins
6. Stop competing who is more spiritual than the other. Grow together in prayer and fellowship, build each other up. Knowing God is not a race
7. Stop competing along gender lines, belittling your wife because she is a woman, wishing your husband ill and failure because he is a man just so that you show him what a man can do, a woman can do too. Complement each other, don’t fight each other
8. Stop competing who does the most good in your marriage. Stop keeping scores of your good deeds against the good deeds of your spouse. You are not doing your spouse a favor by loving him/her
9. Stop competing who is more romantic or more sexy between you two. You both have different ways of expressing your desires. Find a rhythm out of your unique expressions instead of forcing your spouse to be like you. Find your dance
We live in the modern times where almost everything has gone digital, even dating, and that is pretty amazing if you ask me. Never mind that all this new digital age stuff is making us lazier by the day but we have to keep up with the times besides, all this new digital age stuff is making life that much easier, right?
Online dating has its own set of challenges especially for women. It can be confusing, frustrating, tiring, disappointing, name it! With online dating you can expect anything, as there are all sorts of characters online. I mean, you will meet random, creepy people who will send you very inappropriate messages and pictures that will leave you feeling confused, exhausted, annoyed and very uncomfortable.
It’s not always that bad though and Love and Relationship expert Bernard Mendez tries to give women tips on how to survive this thing called online dating without losing all hope in humanity.
Tips to succeed in online dating:
1.Make online dating your complimentary strategy and not your core strategy
This is simple, as a woman looking for that potential guy, you need to have many other ways to connect with guys and not just rely on meeting them online. A lot of women are under the illusion that they have no time to connect with men in the real world and that the only way they can connect with a guy is through online dating. If this is your thought pattern then you are going to put pressure on yourself to make online dating work hence allowing yourself to go through weeks of being contacted by men who are not your type or those who are just there to waste your time which of course will leave you feeling frustrated.
To succeed in online dating you must first be aware of the other many ways to connect with men everywhere you go. Leave your antennas for connecting with guys on at all times outside the online world and try to let the online world be just a complimentary dating strategy to the other strategies.
2.Get an amazing profile picture
If you are going to go with online dating then you must find the perfect picture of you that will help draw attention to you. The eyes cannot help looking at something bright and smiley and the eyes also cannot be bothered to look at something that is the opposite of bright and smiley. Make sure it’s your best picture. A happy picture, a picture that lets your personality shine through. That picture you look at and smile to yourself because it just does it!
3.Paint an emotional picture on your profile, use descriptive statements
Make yourself shine through by describing yourself in detail and making whoever that is going to be checking out your profile know what you are all about. Pick one or two accurate and fun details about yourself that you are passionate about so that people viewing your profile can get a sense of who you are exactly. Let your bio work on your behalf and let it compliment your picture.
4.Understand the 90/10 online dating rule
90% of the stuff you are going to find online is mostly pure crap. You will find guys who just want to have sex with you or you might meet plain super losers. Only about 10% of the online daters will be worth your while, so for you to be able to succeed in online dating, you have to be willing to shift through a pile of the guys that you will not connect with to find those quality guys you can connect with. Take your time to find out who falls in the 90 percentile pile and those who fall in the 10 percentile pile so that you are not left feeling frustrated and thinking online dating is worthless.
5. Take it offline as soon as possible.
As soon as you have connected with a guy who you think falls in the 10% pile of the guys who are worth your while, it is advisable to take things offline as soon as possible. Spending too much time on online communication be it via emails or via online dating apps for several months on end without making plans to meet up in person could end up in disaster as you could have spent so much time communicating with someone who actually was not worth your time as people tend to be very different online and offline. Meeting someone in person sooner can help you figure this out before emotions are involved.
There will always be women trying to lure a man especially when he is taken. A taken man looks presentable because there is already a woman/wife in his life making him shine. A weak man will not let an opportunity to taste new waters of new women pass. But a great man will turn down their advances, remain loyal to the woman who has stood by him all this while, and have the guts to tell those opportunistic women “I am taken. Keep off!”
2. “I am my own man”
People will put expectations on a man, “Why can’t you be like your dad?”, ‘Why not follow the footsteps of your brother?”, “Why are you not as rich as so and so”, “Why don’t you venture into this business/ career?”, “Why don’t you talk like so and so”… a great man is firm in his identity, he chooses his own path and walks it. He tells his parents, his uncles, the world “Yes, there have been and are many great men, but I wasn’t born to copy. Let me find my own direction, let me make my own mistakes, let me be my own man, and find my own greatness”
3. “God, teach me”
A man must humble himself and come to the realization that he needs God, he cannot make it on his own. That he asks God for wisdom, how to be the best man/ husband to his woman, how to be the best father, how to live an honorable life.
4. “Count me out”
Friends can be destructive, they can mock a man that he is spending too much time with his woman/wife, “Amekaliwa na bibi”, they can organize for a strip show with prostitutes, encourage unfaithfulness, make you waste your money, dare you to be a man by doing wrong, dare you to drink and drive or try out retrogressive lifestyles. A great man knows his values, priorities and boundaries. He is not swayed by peer pressure. Yes, it is good to have friends and those friends must be good friends; but when friends suggest a wrong plan or even when good friends are demanding too much time away from your family or responsibilities, a great man has the guts to say “Count me out”
5. “How shall we do family planning?”
Family planning should not be left to the woman alone. The man should have the guts to ask the woman how they shall do it, settling on what works best for them both. After all, don’t men say they are the head of the family?… the head has to plan.
6. “I will raise our child”
Whether a pregnancy is planned or unplanned, the man should have the guts to declare “I will raise our child”. He shouldn’t be the one to advocate for an abortion, the one to leave and run but the one to stay and rise up to the role of fatherhood. There are some fathers who accept the child but distance themselves from the child and when the child errs, they are quick to blame it on the wife. Fatherhood is being active in the upbringing of the child.
7. “Honey, don’t you dare beat yourself up”
The man’s woman can sometimes feel low, she can feel sorry for herself and harbor negative thoughts. A great man has the guts to counter his woman’s negative thoughts and keep her from losing hope and slipping into despair and laxity.
8. “I was wrong”
It takes guts to admit failure, defeat or a mistake. A great man is open to correction and the process of learning.
9. “I love you”
True love is for the brave. A courageous man will not just love but declare his love for the woman. The same way he prides himself in his achievements, he will take pride in loving and being loved by such an amazing woman.
10. “Will you marry me?”
It takes guts for a man to propose to a woman. His heart is on the line as the power to say “Yes” or “No” lies with her. But when a man is serious about loving a woman, he will want to keep her officially and in the right and transparent way. He will want her official consent to spend the rest of his life with her. He will make her his wife to demonstrate how serious he is.
11. “Mum, respect my wife!”
Sometimes the man’s parents or siblings try to undermine his wife. They try to manipulate him and control the man and his marriage. But a great man has the guts to stand up to his own family and defend his wife and household, shooting down any attempts to attack or frustrate his wife.